Can't Afford

“I can’t afford to feel low”, said the COO of a big company following a stormy event at the company. Some of the employees rebelled against the COO and went on a major strike, accusing and abusing him for the recent project failure and demanding his resignation. The conflict was eventually settled and strike was called off with a peaceful mediation by the BOM without removing COO from the company. However, the resentment inside some of those employees still remained. It was then after a few days, when I asked how he was doing, he said he can’t afford to feel low and said amusingly that he will sulk after a month, not now.

He has been working with the company for more than 10 years. He is one of the most positive, jovial and compassionate leaders I have come across. He trusts his employees and has faith in their commitment towards the company. He inspires and supports his team members to go beyond their task requirements and rewards them for creativity. He is visionary and risk taking. He has an open door office, where anyone can walk in and speak freely to him. He works as mentor to his company employees rather than an autocratic leader. Therefore, seeing some of those people turning against him in such big way was very disheartening.

I recall once my supervisor while training us counseling said, “it is okay to cry with your client in the session”. In a therapy session, normally the therapist is expected to be the stronger person in terms of handling distress and be more ‘emotionally balanced’. When my supervisor said so, it was a tinker in my mind. ‘It is okay to cry along with your client’ meant that it is okay to express those intense feelings. That “okay’ in fact assured that by being emotionally expressive, I am not going to lose my status of therapist. I can be as much competent and effective in helping my client. It would just mean that I am sensitive, empathic and more importantly a ‘human’, which will in fact enhance the effectiveness of the process.

Perspectives

My girl was not happy. She said she did not enjoy the fair. She mentioned that she did not eat the floss candy, did not tell her name to that Uncle over there and, she did not get the balloons. I wondered why only these incidents were in her mind. Nevertheless, I replied instantly, “but then you had a good bike ride, and you got a soft teddy bear for putting the ball in the basket and, you got a beautiful strawberry tattoo made on your palm. You also danced on your favorite number Kolavari.” And asked again, “So how did you enjoy the fair?” Her response changed immediately. I enjoyed it very much, and later on she kept telling it to everyone.

In this case, it was a three-year old so one can say that it is easy to change the mind. But, shouldn’t it be easy for the adults to do the same? Why negative aspects remain more intense and overpowering in our mind than the positive ones? Once, a girl of class XII was upset about her math paper. She had messed up a question worth 5 marks out of 100. After the exam all she remembered was that 5-mark question and cried hell throughout the day. She did not or could not relish the achievement of solving the rest questions worth 95 Marks.

Never sleep sleepless

One of my friends told me that a critical issue in his office was resolved. It was a great relief for him. He told that he couldn’t even sleep for that whole night, thinking about it. I was certainly happy for him, but what caught my attention more, was his sleepless night. And I wondered if there is ever a point in sleeping sleeplessly. As it is said, no lock is made without a key, so there is always a way out of any situation or problem. Something or the other comes out. And better will come out if we sleep sound, rather than disturbed. Worrying will neither solve our problems nor will allow us to think differently. Worrying is a habit that we should get rid of.

Worrying is natural too. Whenever one encounters a problem or a difficult situation, he/she worries for the outcome. Beneath every such worry there is a fear: fear of failure, fear of being caught, fear of losing the dear ones etc. There are three key steps to combat such fear:

1.       Being truthful to yourself and others
2.       Being sincere in your deeds and intentions
3.       Having faith in God/ Destiny

Whenever you find yourself worrying, just think of these three simple points. It will result in fearless &  positive mind.  And, you can sleep tight all night!

Silence the Soul-jer

I was on phone with my sister. A routine call! After hearing how she and her son were doing I told her about how I was. Although we talk pretty often, yet I had loads of stuff to pour out on her. I spoke breathless without even waiting to hear “hmm”, “oh!”, “yea” from her, about my things at work, new recruitment strategy, difficulty people, bad weather in the town, latest hit to my car, new things my 2-yr old has learnt etc. As I paused after a while sensing some kind of blankness, I realized that phone had already disconnected (probably 7-8 minutes ago).

I felt odd.
Embarrassed!
Stupid!
Then funny
And, I laughed at myself.

It might be hard for many, who know me, to believe that I can be so chatty. I listen a great deal (professionally), and so it was amusing to see myself talking this way. But it was a moment, and I am glad it happened.

Talking, sharing, venting all is good. I always encourage everybody and my clients to express more and more, their thoughts and feelings (in a healthy way). Mobile phone in each hand makes it easy too. I remember 1.5 decade ago people had to wait for the ½ call rate or ¼ call rate time to make STD calls (in India). They would talk for a limited period, and of course only the important happenings in the past week. Today we can’t wait a second to pass on the information. Before we can realize and absorb what has happened to us, it would reach all the ‘close hearts and minds’. The need to tell and share seems increasing.

So what is the harm?
We lose a lot of energy. Not the physical energy for talking breathless, but the mental energy that we need to understand the experience.  Sometimes, not sharing but holding on to the ongoing tension gives the necessary energy to deal with the situation at hand in a better way.
I had some cases of newlywed couples going through adjustment difficulties. For many of them, the reason was over communication outside the new dyad system. A small conflict or even a difference of opinion between the couple would immediately get effused to the extended family. It is not bad always, though. You can certainly get useful ideas, suggestions and guidance. However, the continuous inflow of external fluid doesn’t let the core system to solidify.