Silence the Soul-jer

I was on phone with my sister. A routine call! After hearing how she and her son were doing I told her about how I was. Although we talk pretty often, yet I had loads of stuff to pour out on her. I spoke breathless without even waiting to hear “hmm”, “oh!”, “yea” from her, about my things at work, new recruitment strategy, difficulty people, bad weather in the town, latest hit to my car, new things my 2-yr old has learnt etc. As I paused after a while sensing some kind of blankness, I realized that phone had already disconnected (probably 7-8 minutes ago).

I felt odd.
Embarrassed!
Stupid!
Then funny
And, I laughed at myself.

It might be hard for many, who know me, to believe that I can be so chatty. I listen a great deal (professionally), and so it was amusing to see myself talking this way. But it was a moment, and I am glad it happened.

Talking, sharing, venting all is good. I always encourage everybody and my clients to express more and more, their thoughts and feelings (in a healthy way). Mobile phone in each hand makes it easy too. I remember 1.5 decade ago people had to wait for the ½ call rate or ¼ call rate time to make STD calls (in India). They would talk for a limited period, and of course only the important happenings in the past week. Today we can’t wait a second to pass on the information. Before we can realize and absorb what has happened to us, it would reach all the ‘close hearts and minds’. The need to tell and share seems increasing.

So what is the harm?
We lose a lot of energy. Not the physical energy for talking breathless, but the mental energy that we need to understand the experience.  Sometimes, not sharing but holding on to the ongoing tension gives the necessary energy to deal with the situation at hand in a better way.
I had some cases of newlywed couples going through adjustment difficulties. For many of them, the reason was over communication outside the new dyad system. A small conflict or even a difference of opinion between the couple would immediately get effused to the extended family. It is not bad always, though. You can certainly get useful ideas, suggestions and guidance. However, the continuous inflow of external fluid doesn’t let the core system to solidify. 

Shades of Green

Good teachers can bestow upon us the life-time aha! experiences.

I had atypical struggle during the first few weeks in USA. I was the only Indian in my department at TTU at that time. Although everyone around spoke English, yet I was not getting them fully. While all my other fellow Indian students (in different faculties) were comfortable with the accent and the language and the people, I was unsettled. The reason was that I was trying to hear more than what people were speaking. I was trying to read their body language, which was a bit difficult being new to the culture.

When I shared my problem with my adviser Dr. Chris Robitschek, she told me a story. There was a school boy who used to go down the street every day with his father. The street was filled with lush green trees and bushes around. His father would ask what color he sees, and he would say green. As the days passed, the boy started seeing more than just green color. He started differentiating between dark green and light green. With more time, he could tell even more shades of green in the same street.

With no more words from her, I could see how I was seeing just the green color. The story not only brought patience to me at the moment, but also unfolded many pieces of wisdom. In fact, it keeps coming back to me every time I come across a new situation. I have less anxiety and greater patience towards life. The story reminds me not to prejudge anyone or jump into conclusions. For I know, there could be more shades to what I am seeing now.

Life is full of wonders, mysteries and unexpected opportunities. An open mind makes living positive and fruitful. The story has relevance for both kinds of people: those who get satisfied soon, and those who quickly get impatient. It is easier to accept things, people or situation when we keep an optimistic attitude towards them. Such mind set not just keeps one motivated to work persistently towards his/her goal but also stimulates to strive for higher goals.

I like to share the story and thank my professor for enlightening me with so many shades of life.

You look just like my daughter living abroad

Last couple of weeks had been quite busy; I was seeing lots of candidates in a day for recruitment. One of them was a retired professor. He was looking for some meaningful occupation after spending a good career life. While we followed the routine procedure for the interview, we had a semi formal conversation during the session. 

When it got over and he was leaving, I stood up in honor and, in Indian traditional way, said Namaste and bye. To my surprise, in return, he wished me by putting his hand on my head. I was touched. In a formal setting with such a short acquaintance, it was unexpected.  As he left I recollected the conversation with him. He has two daughters who live in USA, and he had mentioned that I looked like one of them. And then instantly, I recalled meeting with two other persons in the last week. They had similar comments. “You look just like my daughter in USA”.

Of course, I can’t look alike with all of these daughters in USA.  But I could see some similarity in these parents. It was not the case that they were missing their children. They all seemed contented and settled with their life arrangements. I saw no regrets or complain in their eyes. They were apparently happy and proud of their children.  There was no unfulfilled desire to see them, hear them, or to know about them, thanks to the information technology!

But, there was something missing. Was that a longing to bless? It is difficult to understand a parent’s mind set or the ‘heart set’ for their children living far-far away. There is unsaid, unexpressed and even un-thought wish to be with their children: to share the sky they see and the air they breathe. I wonder if it is true that as one grows old his/her needs become similar to that of a child. Like the need to touch and feel the close-ones. For that matter, bless their children actually not virtually!

Reason to write Aha! expereinces

In my previous post I wrote about all of us having aha moments, some or the other time. And, I have a reason to believe that why should we share and write those moments?

Think about what happens when we think of one such time? We become conscious of not just the external but also our inner world. We become aware of our thoughts and feelings of the moment. This is living in the moment, living in the present!

“Mindfulness is a source of happiness” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Mindful living is useful and therapeutic. We come closer to our true self and understand ourselves better. We are more focused, stable, and have more control on our actions. With mindful-living we can have less stress and better relationships in our lives.

Writing and sharing is a conscious effort to re-live that time. While writing about the experience, we strive to look out for the words and phrases which appropriately describe our emotions and thoughts. It is an effort to look deep into ourselves to know exactly how we went through that experience. When we share or tell someone about any of our experiences, we strengthen its effect on our lives.

Having something therapeutic is not a need for only those who are in suffering of any kind. I believe it is for all those who want to do better than their present and achieve higher. For all those who want to optimize their potential.

It is for all those who want to and,

CARE TO GROW!

Authority Relearnt

I was born first followed by three siblings. Dominance, I suppose, was imbibed in me. Additionally being a daughter of bureaucrat in India, I always observed and had the assistance of a servant, peon or a driver. To command and demand from people was natural and obvious part of life.

Living in USA and practicing psychology, however, changed me. It was not just cooking and living on my own,  but, numerous small tasks like photocopying, cleaning my office, getting water (the tasks for which in India we generally depend on peons to do), that made me more self sufficient.

I discovered my beliefs in individual importance. In my approach to counseling I was client centered and non directive. I would regard all equal in my therapy room: a rich person would be treated same as poor. I would regard individuals beyond their class and levels, beyond their age and gender, and beyond their race and ethnicity.

As I joined work in an organization, I was required to maintain a hierarchy. I had people working for me, and I needed to command, direct and lead. I wondered if I needed to be autocratic to get work done. What it takes to be good authority? Is it a trait or some skill that can be learnt? How to manage people and get things done? And, in deeper sense, how to get people work for you out of love and respect rather than a terror.

Power comes from position, money and knowledge. But authority is not just about executing powers. It is also about possessing the traits which reflect radiance and gain respect from everyone around. Having authority means being able to positively influence people at all levels within an organization, because you are a trusted and respected figure; and you are perceived as having expertize and knowledge in your field.

A few things I have found basic and important for being an effective authority at work:

Quote: Gabriel Garcia Marquez

"Human being are not born once and for all
on the day their mothers give birth to them,
but...life obliges them over and over again
to give birth to themselves."

Understand

Stop talking, 

Stop thinking 

and 

there is nothing you will not understand

The Aha! moments

My brother said that he has different views about the aha moments, and that he did not have any Aha! moments. I wonder, is it possible? We keep learning all throughout our lives. And there are people, events, accidents, situations and what not, which become the medium to our learning. But probably this happens so smooth, we do not realize. I would not say that it is all expected. If the life be predictable... It is not! And so I strongly believe that there are definitely moments in our lives when we smile to ourselves. When we discover something unexpected and understand life an inch more. Probably, then that becomes so much part of us, that we do not find it easy putting as a writing piece.

Look for the child within!!