“बिटिया तंग तो नहीं कर रही? (Hope she is not troubling )

How to get out of this?

I was at semi formal dinner with my friends and colleagues.  For some reason I had to take my 4 yr old daughter along with me. While everyone was busy chatting and catching up, I was little off the discussion (focusing on her). And, one of my colleagues (not getting enough of my attention :)) remarked, “बिटिया तंग तो  नहीं कर रही?” (Hope she is not troubling) I said NO, and wondered if rather I am troubling her?

I was trying to make her sit properly and keep her on the table with everyone, while she wanted to wander here and there. And, why shouldn’t she? I wanted her to eat nicely with spoon, while she would enjoy eating by hands and picking the food across the plate. And, why shouldn’t she? When my friends wanted to talk to her, I was trying to make her reply nicely, and she was shy and moody. And, why shouldn’t she?   

In our efforts of disciplining the children at times we may go too far and restrict them from being themselves. I recall a couple of incidents that came across. Once my friend was at her neighbors’ house. The neighbor’s son was about 7 yr old. He was asking his mother for a robot (toy) which was kept far from his reach on the top of cupboard. His mother was not giving it to him, saying that toy was too expensive, and he might break it. And to add, she explained to him “Dad cannot buy this expensive toy for you every other day”!

In another incident, I was at a friends’ place, when she was telling me about her 3 yr old daughter's school and what all she has been learning.  Hearing us talking about her studies, my friend's daughter ran and took out her homework copy to show.  The moment she did so, someone at her home screamed, “Be careful! Take that book from her. She can not handle it properly. She might tear it apart”. And, it was snatched from her.

I hate you for you did not love me enough

One of my senior colleagues has been visiting me for some official task. And in routine conversation one day he happened to talk about some of his experiences with our ex- boss. He had worked with him for more than a year, and he had lots of stories in his memory to tell. The stories were indeed adventurous, as one can imagine out a year of administration of a residential university with 3000 students and nearly half on campus.

He started by appreciating the ex boss, and told about his interactions with him. Interestingly, in most of the incidents he narrated, he was the ‘Hero’. He was the one who always stood by the boss irrespective of anything. He had either helped the ex-boss come out of the difficult situations or he had warned before. He was always the one who wanted to save and safeguard the boss in tricky situations.  And more interestingly, in such cases the boss rarely listened to him. Rather, according to him, he ridiculed him and never liked him; despite that he was all the time standing beside him, for him.  Then, he started criticizing and eventually abusing the ex boss. And in those stories, there came a point when he had got so fed up with the boss' attitude towards him that one day left the office. And the story went like this that the boss called him and pleaded to come back and he in turn lambasted the boss over the phone.  

Asking God for something

“What did you ask for from the God?” Someone asked outside the temple. It made me think of all those things that I used to ask for. I had asked to come first in the class when I was in IX standard. Long hair, selection in entrance exam, a 'yes' and many such things that I would ask for and promise to come back to the same temple and offer 'prasad'.

Then, there was a time, when I stopped asking such things but for one: that May God not let me do anything wrong and that I do all right to everyone. I was afraid to be wrong and do incorrect. However, some of my life experiences later changed my perspective. It was Okay to ‘not know’, it was Okay to ‘do wrong’, it was Okay for others to not know and do wrongs.

So then to ask from God, I had ‘Peace of mind’, ‘Happiness’ and ‘Courage to face the adversities’. With time, even the need to ask these things got dissolved. I realized that there are phases of happiness and sadness, fortunes and misfortunes in our life. I stopped asking anything for me. Asking for any other person would still mean some thing for me as I would be related and concerned for him or her. Okay, so then I decided I would not ask for anything for me or anyone related to me, for it did not make any sense to me. 

I did not become atheist. I go to temples and bow my head to the supreme authority. I do thank God, for all the goodness in my life. But I withdraw from asking anything, from being demanding. What to ask? What more to ask? Why to ask? Let me be appreciative of what is given. Life is not fair but still good!!

Can't Afford

“I can’t afford to feel low”, said the COO of a big company following a stormy event at the company. Some of the employees rebelled against the COO and went on a major strike, accusing and abusing him for the recent project failure and demanding his resignation. The conflict was eventually settled and strike was called off with a peaceful mediation by the BOM without removing COO from the company. However, the resentment inside some of those employees still remained. It was then after a few days, when I asked how he was doing, he said he can’t afford to feel low and said amusingly that he will sulk after a month, not now.

He has been working with the company for more than 10 years. He is one of the most positive, jovial and compassionate leaders I have come across. He trusts his employees and has faith in their commitment towards the company. He inspires and supports his team members to go beyond their task requirements and rewards them for creativity. He is visionary and risk taking. He has an open door office, where anyone can walk in and speak freely to him. He works as mentor to his company employees rather than an autocratic leader. Therefore, seeing some of those people turning against him in such big way was very disheartening.

I recall once my supervisor while training us counseling said, “it is okay to cry with your client in the session”. In a therapy session, normally the therapist is expected to be the stronger person in terms of handling distress and be more ‘emotionally balanced’. When my supervisor said so, it was a tinker in my mind. ‘It is okay to cry along with your client’ meant that it is okay to express those intense feelings. That “okay’ in fact assured that by being emotionally expressive, I am not going to lose my status of therapist. I can be as much competent and effective in helping my client. It would just mean that I am sensitive, empathic and more importantly a ‘human’, which will in fact enhance the effectiveness of the process.