Silence the Soul-jer

I was on phone with my sister. A routine call! After hearing how she and her son were doing I told her about how I was. Although we talk pretty often, yet I had loads of stuff to pour out on her. I spoke breathless without even waiting to hear “hmm”, “oh!”, “yea” from her, about my things at work, new recruitment strategy, difficulty people, bad weather in the town, latest hit to my car, new things my 2-yr old has learnt etc. As I paused after a while sensing some kind of blankness, I realized that phone had already disconnected (probably 7-8 minutes ago).

I felt odd.
Embarrassed!
Stupid!
Then funny
And, I laughed at myself.

It might be hard for many, who know me, to believe that I can be so chatty. I listen a great deal (professionally), and so it was amusing to see myself talking this way. But it was a moment, and I am glad it happened.

Talking, sharing, venting all is good. I always encourage everybody and my clients to express more and more, their thoughts and feelings (in a healthy way). Mobile phone in each hand makes it easy too. I remember 1.5 decade ago people had to wait for the ½ call rate or ¼ call rate time to make STD calls (in India). They would talk for a limited period, and of course only the important happenings in the past week. Today we can’t wait a second to pass on the information. Before we can realize and absorb what has happened to us, it would reach all the ‘close hearts and minds’. The need to tell and share seems increasing.

So what is the harm?
We lose a lot of energy. Not the physical energy for talking breathless, but the mental energy that we need to understand the experience.  Sometimes, not sharing but holding on to the ongoing tension gives the necessary energy to deal with the situation at hand in a better way.
I had some cases of newlywed couples going through adjustment difficulties. For many of them, the reason was over communication outside the new dyad system. A small conflict or even a difference of opinion between the couple would immediately get effused to the extended family. It is not bad always, though. You can certainly get useful ideas, suggestions and guidance. However, the continuous inflow of external fluid doesn’t let the core system to solidify. 

 Talking transfers the felt intensity of the experience. Just like an anxiety curve, no extreme is good in sharing/venting curve. A minimum level of ‘holding on to the experience’ is necessary. When we share our issues and concerns, a hope is generated within us that we would be helped, listened to, sympathized, or at least be assented to our misery. Gradually we become dependent on others’ listening to us. We do not get to introspect or reflect within as much. In such cases, our reflection is mostly from others, and, therefore, biased by others’ perspective. This is the case for all genders and generations.

At times, volubility is fruitless within the ‘System’ too.  When you talk too much you cannot be making all that sense, anywhere. There was once an extremely garrulous and aggressive couple in my therapy. They were accusing and abusing each other incessantly for creating troubles between them. In one of the early sessions, I let them play their TT (Ping Pong) game of words without intervening. I call it a TT (Ping Pong) game because one set of intense words delivered fiercely is like a smash shot onto the other side to win over, and where winning means

• To shut the other person up (some like to dominate the session)
• To humiliate the other person (some are egoist and self-righteous)
• To pass on the burden of the adversity on to the other person (some are blamers)
• To pass on the negativity (some are not able to handle negative feelings, even though created by themselves)
• To ignite anger in the other person or in other words ‘push the button’ (some are revengeful and fond of fights)

What would you do if reproached like that?  We generally feel like or end up replying in the same manner. It is like telling the other person that I am not taking it, that you have to keep it (the blame, burden, negativity), that now the ball is in your court, and that you are responsible (for whatever), and not me. It is no doubt, good for the game to keep going. But it is not so good for the players when it is a matter of shared life.

So what to do? Do you keep mum? How can you not react when someone is constantly berating you? You can’t just stand and watch the ball falling off your side of the table. Right? You can’t be and better not be a sand bag.

You may block the ball rather than replying with same aggressiveness? It would be difficult to maintain that rally, then. Those missions would be nullified.  It is not dropping off the game by doing so or avoiding the situation. It is just a way to drop other person’s aggression in that shot. One certainly needs to be strong and confident to do that. (There could be one complete chapter on dealing constructively such situations & people. Here I focus just on using ‘silence’ as a tool).

One should reply assertively with positive words & intentions. This will give a comfortable space to keep the ‘silence’ in between the argument. That silence and your serenity will automatically kill the negativity of the moment. Silence, at times, acts like a mirror. It can help your fight-partner (a spouse, sibling, friend, boss, co-worker etc) see his/her actions and understand the underlying motives. Silence, well timed, can also help find answers (lying within us), to our problems.

An amusing conversation once with my daughter (20 months old that time) reminded me of this.One evening she asked, “Where did daddu (grandpa) go?” I told, “Outside” (A short answer for a little baby). She asked again, “Where did daddu (grandpa) go?” I said, “To the doctor”. (An honest answer). She asked once again the same, “Where did daddu (grandpa) go?”. I understand she is in the questioning age. I told her, “To the doctor, baby. He will be back soon”. (Assuring her, assuming that she would be wondering his comeback). After a while she asked me again, “Where did daddu (grandpa) go?” Keeping calm, I said, “DOCTOR baby; he has gone to the DOC…TOR (emphasizing on doctor to help her speak it).

But it didn’t end. She asked another time and I explained the doctor and the ‘hopil’ (Hospital) and the patient with all my patience. I really hoped that she understood and registered the word “doctor”. Then, I thought let me ask her the same question so that she stops asking me. I asked, “Where did daddu (grandpa) go?” She said, “He has gone to the dentist, to show his teeth”.

We easily get compelled to reply when queried, to defend when attacked and to advice when posed with a problem. We should check if we are operating on our urge to speak, suggest or vent.  “A properly kept silence is a beautiful thing; it is nothing less than the father of very wise thoughts”.