I hate you for you did not love me enough

One of my senior colleagues has been visiting me for some official task. And in routine conversation one day he happened to talk about some of his experiences with our ex- boss. He had worked with him for more than a year, and he had lots of stories in his memory to tell. The stories were indeed adventurous, as one can imagine out a year of administration of a residential university with 3000 students and nearly half on campus.

He started by appreciating the ex boss, and told about his interactions with him. Interestingly, in most of the incidents he narrated, he was the ‘Hero’. He was the one who always stood by the boss irrespective of anything. He had either helped the ex-boss come out of the difficult situations or he had warned before. He was always the one who wanted to save and safeguard the boss in tricky situations.  And more interestingly, in such cases the boss rarely listened to him. Rather, according to him, he ridiculed him and never liked him; despite that he was all the time standing beside him, for him.  Then, he started criticizing and eventually abusing the ex boss. And in those stories, there came a point when he had got so fed up with the boss' attitude towards him that one day left the office. And the story went like this that the boss called him and pleaded to come back and he in turn lambasted the boss over the phone.  

I was speechlessly listening to him. Of course, I am not fond of listening to filthy and venomous words…especially for someone I do not hold the same view as such. Was I lending the psychologist’s ear so that he could easily speak his heart out?  He was extremely abusive and abrasive. And, I was amazed by my tolerance and patience of giving that treatment to my ears and mind. Certainly, there was something more that I was looking for. Not the real reality…I wasn’t bothered about much as in what exactly happened. 

 

 

I remembered the time when I had heard of the demise of my Uncle (chahcha). I was so angry and hated him so much. How could he do that? How could he just go…leave my aunt (chachi) and school going kids….in the middle of life, at the age of 44? How could he be so irresponsible? How could he do that to himself? We had so much to learn from him, the world had so much to gain from him, how could he just do that? 

My colleague was in similar state. He hated the boss for he did not get enough love from him. In fact he was struggling to know why the boss did not like him as much. He was craving for his liking, recognition and appreciation. And this craving was as intense as were his abuses. Awe! It is difficult to imagine for a person of 65 + age to be so unsettled for the need of positive strokes; but like we know inside each of us there is a child who always likes to be loved. I am sure there must have been incidents where that boss had appreciated him, but it must not have been enough.

 I wonder, how much ‘NEED’ do we have for recognition and appreciation, and for how long. When would we stop asking and craving? How easy and nice it is to be nurtured and taken care of. It is so good to be appreciated for what we are and what we do. It is beautiful to be loved. You feel so good about yourself. But the irony is once you stop asking, stop expecting, stop craving and start giving….it is so much more fulfilling.